I generally am pretty good about putting a smile on my face and telling others that I'm doing well. What other's don't know sometimes is behind that smile, I'm hurting. I would like to think that I see the glass half full most of the time. I feel like if I do get down, I have others telling me how good I have it and how much worse it could be. I don't want to hear that today, because it's not going to put things into perspective or make me feel better. I don't want to hear about other's problems that are "worse" than mine. Maybe my challenge is just as hard as a different challenge is to someone. Today, I'm definitely feeling totally defeated and at a bit of a loss. I need to get it off my chest. As you know, Rowan has had some developmental delays which I talked about last month. Today we went in for his well child visit and it couldn't have gone worse. At first, it wasn't too bad. He was ok getting weighed, measured, bp taken. Once the nurse stepped out and the Dr. stepped in, it seemed that everything went downhill. He was laying up on the exam table eating a granola bar and became unruly. It had chocolate on it, and he wiped his chocolatey hand on the wall. I told him no, wiped it off and he did it again. This happened a few more times before I got him off the table. Once on the floor, he started thrashing. Our ped, trying to help got a wet wipe and asked Rowan if he could wipe off his hands. He screamed, tried to scratch the Dr. and finally got his hands wiped down. I tried to pick him up and he started thrashing and hitting me. At this point, I'm trying to have a conversation with our ped while trying to manage Rowan. I put Rowan in a naughty spot in the corner and it only made things worse. He screamed, threw himself backwards and kept trying to hit me. I almost didn't recognize this child.
The ped started asking me a bunch of questions about his behavior, vocabulary and asked if he had regressed from his 3 year well child. I think he's about the same with a bit more vocabulary. He then began to ask me about ADD, and if there was any family history of mental problems, asperger's, etc. We talked for quite a while, this whole time Rowan basically failed to use any sort of communication with me or the ped and was aggressive. He does have bouts of this, but it's not usually this bad. Chandler was laying on the chair at this time, and was down on the floor. The ped got after him and asked me some questions about Chandler as well. After chatting with him for about 10 minutes, he also suggested that maybe there is some sort of pervasive development disorder or which is on the mild spectrum of autism. He told me he wanted to refer him to a child psychiatrist for a second opinion. He said at least if we meet with a child psychiatrist, we could rule out certain things, or pinpoint the problem. He also said that it would probably be a month or so before they would contact us since they are pretty booked out. He wants to see Rowan back in a month. This whole conversation, I was fighting back tears.
Once I got in the car, it all came out.
I cried the entire way home.
Today I feel like life is unfair and I'm not cut out to be a mom. I have already had so much guilt about school, but once school is over, I'm still wanting to work part time. I need that outlet in my life, but it means that my kids are in some sort of childcare. I see over and over how stay at home moms are grateful to stay at home with their kids, but I want to work a couple days a week. I look at some families with 5 kids and they are able to manage better than I can with 2. I see how they behave sometimes and wonder what I am doing wrong. Yes, tell me not to compare, but today I'm going to compare. I'm going to compare because I'm feeling bitter.
I'm also confused at this referral from the ped. He spent 10 minutes with Rowan, asked me 50 questions and sent out a referral. Is his 10 minute evaluation and referral justified when I am his mom and am with him a lot of the time? I told him I did have some testing done and he is getting help through the school district, but I almost feel in a way that he dismissed that. Part of me doesn't want to go through with the referral because I feel that we need to go forward with his special preschool for a bit, but I don't want our ped to think I'm not advocating or being neglectful of my child. He kept telling me that it probably came somewhere genetically and I'm just so darn frustrated I want to scream. What do I do?
I seriously love my boys, so much, but sometimes I wonder if I could ever handle any more kids. Marshall and I have discussed when to maybe have another child, but days like today I almost feel like we should be done. I can't handle it, I'm not cut out for it, and I feel like I'm not doing a good job.
Now excuse me while I go take some Aleve with a Coke, my head is throbbing and I think I'm dehydrated.